Blogs by Ella Fisher

You have probably met someone who immediately impressed you. Someone who seemed confident, interesting, and said all the right things. But when you get to know that person a little longer, you sometimes start to notice that he or she is not exactly the person they first appeared to be.

There is nothing to be ashamed of when this happens. It can happen to anyone. The signals people give can be different for every person. What I have personally experienced are people who give beautiful words but do not turn those words into actions.

Even people around me deal with this regularly, and I find that very unfortunate. In the end people always reveal themselves. It is impossible to keep acting like someone you are not forever.

The reason words sometimes work so well is connected to the sensitivity of the person receiving them.

People often want to believe the good things they hear. The unpleasant part about someone who is acting is that he or she knows very well how to play you. These are often very intelligent people who use these kinds of tricks. What they sometimes forget is that the person listening is not naïve either.

Unfortunately, the realization comes too late nine out of ten times. Afterwards you may think to yourself: wow, how could I have fallen for that? Try to see it as a learning process. It helps you recognize the signals faster the next time, and it allows you to step away sooner if necessary.

Always listen to your intuition. That is my advice.

When I look back at certain people who entered my life, I sometimes think that I could have seen it coming if I had listened to my intuition more carefully. You usually feel quite quickly when something does not feel right.

So let us look at the question: why do people pretend to be someone they are not?

From my experience there are several possible reasons:

• People may carry unresolved trauma from childhood, such as deep insecurity.
• Some people are afraid that you will not find them interesting enough.
• Some people want to appear tough or impressive in front of others they know.
• Narcissism can also play a role.

And there are probably many more reasons you could add yourself.

Let us take one example from this list: insecurity.

You never truly know what someone has experienced in their childhood. It is possible that a person was bullied for years. By lying or by creating a different image of themselves, they may try to push away the pain that was never processed and create a more peaceful life.

But emotionally mature adults understand that this does not solve the core of the problem. Which brings us to the next question: is that person emotionally mature? It is very possible that they are not. When emotional maturity is missing, certain inner connections are simply not there. Instead of looking inward, someone keeps creating a version of the world that looks better than it really is. Everything to avoid feeling what is underneath.

Social pressure can also play a role. People are sometimes afraid of losing their reputation. But what is the value of a reputation that is only built on appearances?

Power and status can influence behavior as well, although not everyone is affected by it. I know plenty of people with strong status who are still pure, real, and sincere.

If someone consistently acts differently from what they say, then for me that person is finished. I say that very directly. Life is built on trust. When something later turns out to be completely different from what it seemed, that is extremely disappointing.

Personally I do not believe someone can be sincere and contradictory at the same time. That might also be because I sometimes think in a fairly black and white way about certain things. Everyone has their own way of looking at it.

Like I mentioned before, I have experienced situations like this myself. When I discovered that someone was not the person they pretended to be, I first looked at myself. I felt guilty because I thought I had ignored the signs.

But after some time had passed and I reflected on it again, I realized I did not have to blame myself. In fact, it can be a blessing when certain people leave your life.

There were enough signals. I simply chose not to see them because I wanted to believe the best in that person. That is very different from being guilty.

Of course it affected my trust in people for a while. But I am naturally a positive person and I tend to move forward fairly quickly. I am not someone who breaks easily.

Yes, I confronted that person about their behavior. As you might expect, the person denied everything and claimed that it was only my version of the truth. That response actually said everything about him and nothing about me.

Moments like that often confirm what you already felt earlier. You suddenly understand why things never really flowed the way they should. Someone's true character becomes visible.

That is also why I do not believe the saying that there is a perfect match for everyone. Maybe difficult people attract other difficult people. But whether that makes the world a better place is doubtful.

If someone keeps insisting that you see things incorrectly even when the facts are clear, then there is really only one solution. Ignore it. Give it no attention.

My best friend reminds me of this often. Everything you give attention to grows. Even negative attention is still attention, and that can trigger someone to keep reacting.

But what if the person is someone you cannot easily avoid, such as a family member or someone in your circle of friends?

The answer is simple: boundaries.

Clear boundaries. This far and no further.

Be very clear about what you expect from a friend, a partner, a colleague, or anyone else in your life.

The way I protect my energy in difficult relationships is by shifting the focus back to myself instead of the other person. When you stop giving your attention to something that feels negative for you, you will notice that you start feeling lighter.

What does not help, and I have done this myself as well, is staying stuck in the negativity. At some point you have to pull yourself together and move forward.

Of course that is easier said than done. From my experience it often happens in waves. Some days are better than others. But every new day is another step forward.

One thing that helped me personally is forgiveness. Forgiving someone can make you feel lighter. It removes the weight of resentment. Holding onto bitterness for too long can even affect your health, and that is not something anyone wants.

I also believe that we all sometimes present ourselves slightly differently in different roles. You are a parent, a daughter, an employee. In each role you show a different side of yourself. But there is a big difference between adapting to a role and pretending to be someone you are not.

I have never taken it that far. Fortunately not. I prefer to keep that kind of imagination for my books, where I can let my characters do things I would never do myself.

Surprisingly, you can actually learn quite a lot from people who are not authentic.

What these experiences taught me is to never lose faith in myself. When you stay true to who you are, more doors will open for you than for someone who constantly pretends to be someone else.

Eventually the truth always surfaces. Over time those who pretend tend to lose more than authentic people do.

People like that no longer influence my friendships. Simply because they are no longer around me.

I can honestly say that the people in my circle of friends, acquaintances, and family are authentic. And that is something I deeply appreciate. It is something that truly makes me happy.