Blogs by Ella Fisher

Setting boundaries, to me, simply means: up to here and no further. But the truth is, you can usually go pretty far with me — and that’s not always in my best interest. My biggest struggle has always been how to communicate my boundaries. And that has everything to do with one thing: fear. Yep, fear of being rejected or of something “breaking” that I’m attached to.
Which, of course, ties directly into letting go — and that combination of fear and letting go can be very tough. (At least for people like me, haha.)

What’s strange about me is that sometimes I can set boundaries perfectly fine, and other times it feels impossible. So what determines the difference?
Most of the time, it’s the person. If I feel safe and comfortable with someone, I can say no without hesitation. But if someone intimidates me, or if I’m afraid of their reaction, the fear kicks in, and I don’t dare to express my boundary right away. Eventually I get there, but usually far too late — after I’ve pushed myself past my limit and mentally hit a wall.

I’m someone who picks up energy from others very quickly, and I also give a lot of energy. But experience has taught me: you cannot keep doing that endlessly. At some point, you run out.

Crossing My Own Lines

In my personal life, I cross my own boundaries more often than I’d like. Why? Because I’m empathetic.
For example, I sometimes go to outings that I really don’t want to go to. I hear myself thinking, “Come on, it’ll probably be fun,” even though I’m absolutely not in the mood. But then again — sometimes we all have to do things we don’t feel like doing. From that perspective, I guess I’m not doing too badly with boundary-setting.

But when someone ignores my boundary, I get irritated. That irritation turns into anger, and eventually it ends in sadness.

I grew up in a home where boundaries were handled well. Things were clearly communicated — what was tolerated and what wasn’t. Every child is rebellious to some degree, and that’s fine, as long as there are rules. And I think that’s where boundary-setting begins: how well did your parents set (and stick to) boundaries?

I was never taught that being “nice” is more important than being clear. If anyone assumes that, I immediately explain that this is absolutely not true. I call that people-pleasing, and if there is one thing I refuse to be, it’s a pleaser.

Clarity Over Niceness

If you’re sweet but unclear — and later backtrack on something you set a boundary for — people might actually like it less in the end. That’s why I choose clarity over niceness almost every time.
And honestly, what good does being nice do if the result is someone walking all over your boundaries anyway?

I’ll admit: I still let certain people walk all over me occasionally, usually when I don’t know them that well or don’t feel comfortable with them. But the good thing is that I recover much faster now, which means people learn who I am sooner. Whether they like my boundaries or not (regarding communication, behavior, working together, etc.) is their problem — not mine.

Setting boundaries with my two daughters is sometimes challenging, though. I catch myself giving in now and then “for the sake of peace,” especially when they insist on getting their way or are arguing with each other. Maybe you recognize this if you’re a mom too. How do you protect your boundaries with your kids?

I’ve read that children benefit more from clarity than from always getting what they want — and I believe that’s true. But let’s be honest… when your child looks at you with those big eyes, it’s hard not to give in.

Taking Responsibility

I take responsibility only for myself and my kids. Everyone else is responsible for themselves. Of course, if another child is playing at our house, I take care of them too — but in general, responsibility belongs to the person themselves.

When someone crosses my boundary, depending on who it is and what it’s about, I can get very angry. Not ideal, I know, but if I’ve warned someone several times and they still push past it, I find that disrespectful — and yes, sometimes I explode.

My body usually warns me before my mind does. I feel tension. Headaches. Neck pain. Stomach aches. Constant fatigue. My biggest pitfall is that I can be too positive and assume the best in people, which makes me realize too late that someone doesn’t care about my boundaries at all.
My inner voice whispers: “You don’t want this — why are you allowing it?”
And then I think: “They must be going through something. That’s why they’re ignoring my limits.”

No. I need to step in sooner.

My Biggest Triggers

Two situations trigger my “I’ll just do it” behavior the most:

• When I feel sorry for someone
• When I’m afraid of conflict or what people might say if I say no

Those are my two biggest weaknesses. Do you recognize them in yourself?

Luckily, in my close relationships (friends, family, etc.), things go well. People who truly know me respect my boundaries. And I’m grateful I don’t have any boundary-violating relationships — no one should.

If I didn’t set boundaries, people would probably think: “Oh, she’ll do it; she never says no.”
Exactly what I don’t want.

I genuinely believe it’s healthy to set boundaries. People immediately know who they’re dealing with.

It’s Never as Bad as You Imagine

The funny thing is: it almost never goes as badly as you imagine.
Whenever I set a boundary, people usually react well or neutral. I can count on one hand the times someone reacted badly — and when that happens, it says more about them than about me.

I used to fear losing people by saying no. Now I think: It’s fine — take it or leave it. This is who I am.

Saying no isn’t hard for me anymore — it’s how I say it that sometimes challenges me. My favorite used to be:
“I can’t, I’m too busy,” or “I already have something planned,” or “I’m really tired lately.”
All excuses. And often not even true.

Not doing that anymore.

A better way?
“Thanks for the invite, but I’m skipping this one.”
Period.

If they keep asking why?
You don’t owe an explanation. If you want to give one, say the truth — or simply:
“My head’s not in the right place for it.”

Most people won’t press further.

Boundaries = Self-Love

Constantly going along with everything means you’re not thinking about yourself. You want to say no, but you don’t. And sometimes, I feel responsible for other people’s emotions. I think:
“They wouldn’t ask if they didn’t really need something,”
or
“What if I say no and they never invite me again?”

Experience has proven: that’s almost never what happens.
We make it so much worse in our heads.

When I give too much energy, I stop feeling like myself. I do things with resistance, and I become rigid. I go through the motions because I feel like I “have to.”
But you don’t have to do anything in life except what feels right and is good for you.

When I finally say no, I end the day proud of myself. I didn’t do something I didn’t want to do — and that gives me an enormous sense of relief.

Times I Let Things Go Too Far

One situation I still regret involved a former employer. I kept working harder, staying later, giving more — and eventually I burned out.

Another boundary I want to strengthen is sticking to decisions I’ve already made. I sometimes soften again and go back on something, and then it still doesn’t turn out how I’d hoped. Waste of energy — and your time is precious.

In many areas I actually feel very strong and clear:
with my writing, my kids, my family, my interests and preferences, my values, friendships, and my free time.

When I look at that list, I’m really not doing so badly.

Boundaries are necessary for peace and to prevent overwhelm. If it’s hard for you, start small. Pick one situation where you often struggle and set a boundary. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere. Think about what you gain by saying no.

Make a list, if it helps — write down every positive thing that comes from saying no to that family member or that friend. Maybe it gives you time for something you’ve wanted to do for ages.

Work Boundaries and Standing My Ground

I still find it hard to say no at work — not because I fear my employer’s reaction, but because I care deeply about my job. Another challenge is speaking up when I disagree. That’s also a boundary. But every time I stick to it, I feel a huge sense of freedom afterward.
That’s something I want to do even more.

A powerful example of a boundary for me was choosing not to get vaccinated during the pandemic. Not because I’m against regular childhood vaccinations, but because that particular shot came out of nowhere too fast. I told myself: up to here and no further. And to this day, I don’t regret it.

Learning from Others

My mom, my brother, and my best friend set boundaries incredibly well. Sometimes I look at them and wonder how they do it so effortlessly. Maybe they also have fears — but either way, it makes them strong people. Watching them helps me learn.

Sometimes when someone sets a boundary with me, it feels uncomfortable at first. But I’ve learned to let it sink in before reacting. Does that always work? No. But we learn by doing.

The Moral of the Story

Setting boundaries is essential — for yourself and for others.
It prevents misunderstandings, resentment, and exhaustion.

The biggest misconception is that people who set boundaries aren’t flexible.
I disagree completely. You can be flexible and still say, “This is where it ends for me.”
Flexibility doesn’t mean saying yes to everything or doing whatever others ask.

The clearest boundary that changed my life is this:

Always trust your intuition. If something feels off, it usually is. Set your boundary and don’t go along with it.

I think that instinct has protected me — and others — more times than I can count.