Blogs by Ella Fisher

There’s a certain type of person who doesn’t talk about their feelings and would rather run away when things get too intense. Someone who shuts down the moment it gets too hot under their feet. I’m pretty much the complete opposite of that, so I struggle to deal with people like this. I’ll be honest (maybe a bit blunt—sorry in advance): I find it an irritating trait. In my eyes, it’s something you can work on. But you first have to see that it can be changed—and then allow other people to help you.

For me, there’s also a difference between being inhibited and being completely shut down. Inhibited behavior, as I see it, is when someone thinks things through carefully before taking a step—but in the end they do take the step that needs to be taken. Being very reserved, on the other hand, often comes from fear, a social anxiety issue in more extreme cases, or maybe other things I don’t even know about. I’m not a psychologist, obviously. So maybe you’re reading this and thinking about it in a completely different way—and if so, I’d truly love to hear your perspective.

How Childhood and Upbringing Shape Us

Our upbringing has a huge impact on the kind of personality we develop. Your parents are your first example of how you can become.

Take my own family as an example. As a family, we’re generally very open and involve everyone in everything. We go to lots of social events—that’s just one example. We teach our children to speak up, to treat everyone with respect, but also to stand up for themselves.

I don’t think everyone who is emotionally closed is fully aware of it, even though it’s hard to miss. At some point, there will usually be someone who says something about it—or at least, that’s what I imagine.

I don’t see myself as a closed person at all, but I can imagine that certain things that happened in your childhood may have contributed to you becoming that way. Like I said: parents. Maybe you come from a family with divorced parents, or your relationship with one of them was really bad. Maybe it also has to do with how you allow others to treat you. If you keep accepting that people walk all over you, you might shut down more and more over time. That’s how I imagine it, at least.

Who knows—maybe a psychologist is reading this right now. I’d be very curious to hear their take on all of this.

When Life Experiences Close You Off

It’s not just parents or childhood. Maybe you’ve had painful experiences in friendships or relationships. Maybe you’re stuck in a situation you don’t dare to leave, because you’re terrified of change. Culture and environment play a big role too.

I’ve traveled a lot and met people from different cultures, and I have to admit: as Dutch people, we really stand out. We’re very open, direct, straightforward—and not everyone appreciates that. So yes, culture absolutely plays a role here.

Environment also influences you. They say “you become like the people you spend time with,” and I do believe that. If I try to imagine myself as a quiet, very introverted person… honestly, I already get a headache just thinking about it. I imagine that many of these people (not all, but a lot of them) carry a constant kind of fear with them. They’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing. That’s my first thought. Afraid of the consequences. It sounds incredibly difficult—and even a bit depressing—to go through life like that.

It’s also tied to insecurity. But then the big question is: where does that insecurity come from in that person?

I don’t believe emotional closedness is something you’re born with. As children, we’re all open and free-spirited. So for me, it all starts with upbringing.

My Kids: Two Sisters, Two Temperaments

With my two daughters, I absolutely see the differences in personality (and that’s a good thing—otherwise life would be pretty boring). One has a very gentle character, and so does the other, but she can also be quite fiery. One doesn’t always dare to do something right away, but eventually does it anyway. The other just goes for it, no hesitation.

In my opinion, when you notice these things as a parent, it’s your responsibility to do something with them. Not just shrug and say, “That’s just the way she is.” No. Look at what’s going on and work with it in a positive way. After all, bold people rule half the world, as we say.

When Someone Shuts Down Completely

When someone closes themselves off, they can cut all contact so suddenly that it makes other people start doubting themselves. They can freeze in the middle of a conversation, stop answering, and then later continue as if nothing ever happened.

When you recognize that in someone, I think there’s really only one thing you can have—and that’s compassion. Real compassion, from a place of love. Because deep down, they didn’t choose to become like this.

I’ve also known a few people who were very emotionally closed. I look at them differently now. I have more understanding. But they’re still not “my kind of people.” People sometimes say “opposites attract,” yin and yang and all that, but for me it works the other way around. That kind of dynamic drains me.

Their communication style is often short, light, and above all: not too deep. The moment things get emotionally intense, the shutdown switch flips on. Anything involving deep feelings becomes a no-go area. I think many of them share very little about their emotions because something happened in the past that gets triggered whenever it feels like things might go “wrong” again. And honestly, that’s quite sad.

I also wonder how many of them have ever gone to therapy to work on this. It could be that they don’t feel bothered by it themselves—but I honestly doubt that’s true in most cases. Still, who am I, right? I’m just Ella—again, not a psychologist. This is simply my down-to-earth Dutch take on the topic.

A Conflict, Radio Silence, and a Shift in Perspective

I once had a conflict with someone like this. Afterward it was complete radio silence. And then suddenly: “Hey, what are you doing?” Just like that.

In that moment I had a negative reaction in my head and decided not to respond at all. I was done with it.

But time passed, and my view on these kinds of situations slowly changed. Now I feel more love and compassion for people like that, even if I still struggle with the behavior itself.

Pressure Makes It Worse, Not Better

Putting pressure on someone who is this emotionally guarded is really the worst thing you can do. You’ll get the exact opposite of what you want. That silence, that withdrawal—it’s part of their defense mechanism. A blockage.

When they go quiet or stop reaching out, it often means they’re looking inward: What am I feeling? What did this situation do to me? And then shame, sadness or other intense emotions often come up. Then comes the realization.

But here’s the point I’m trying to make: if you keep experiencing situations like this and never really work through them, you’ll stay stuck there for the rest of your life. And that’s fine if you truly like it that way—but I honestly can’t imagine that. Nobody wants to stay trapped in pain.

Love, Relationships, and Being Yourself

People who are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally shut down often either know exactly how to handle them, are completely adjusted to them—or are similar themselves.

If you’re the closed-off one in a relationship, I imagine you feel more at ease with your partner and dare to be more yourself. But… are you really fully yourself? Because this “trait” doesn’t truly belong to you—you became this way.

I find that a fascinating question. So if you’re reading this and you recognize yourself in this, please hit that contact button—I’d love to hear from you.

In any case, these people usually have a partner who fully accepts them as they are. And that’s wonderful—but only up to a certain point. Because that partner might be giving up parts of themselves in the process. Love goes far, right?

I think they need someone who really understands them on a deep level—and not everyone is capable of that. Like I said, if you have an open and very present personality like I do, it’s often hard to adapt. That’s probably why I realized at a pretty early age that I’m simply not a match for these types of people. And do I mind? No. You can’t be a match with everyone in life.

Misunderstandings, Parties, and Two Closed People Together

Misunderstandings with emotionally guarded people often arise because they don’t express themselves clearly. That’s frustrating and can make the other person feel unseen or not understood. Just talking about it already gets you halfway there, but not everyone who shuts down is capable of taking that next step.

They often show love by buying things, doing things for you, or using beautiful words to win your trust. I imagine it’s exhausting for them to go to parties, big events, crowded places. They probably never feel completely comfortable and would rather be at home—where it’s safe and familiar.

If two emotionally closed people are in a relationship together, I imagine it could become pretty boring after a while—at least when you fast-forward a few years. Maybe huge fights even erupt. I have no idea, I’m not inside their homes. But I’m a writer, and I do have a vivid imagination (and a decent amount of common sense).

Work Life: Where Do They Fit Best?

If you’re an employer and you hire someone who’s very closed off emotionally, I think they’ll usually function best in a role where they don’t have to work too closely with others all the time. A job with a certain level of stability and clarity, where they know exactly what they’re good at and can keep finding challenges in that area.

It doesn’t have to be a boring job—though of course that depends on the person. I imagine they’d do well in solo roles: maybe in an office, or in a store but in a behind-the-scenes function.

They can be very quiet. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not interested; often they just don’t know how to add their voice to the conversation. But other people often interpret that silence as “not involved.” Totally understandable—but often not true.

Because of this, collaborations can fall apart more quickly when you’re dealing with someone like this.

One quality that I think is seriously underestimated: they do have another side. A warmer, more open side. They just show it only when they are 100% sure they can trust you. And I really believe that trust is the starting point of everything—whether you’re emotionally open or not.

What’s Going On Inside Their Heads?

I think they often replay things in their mind: what they should have done differently, frustrations, anger, fears—but they rarely share any of that.

Their biggest fear around opening up, I suspect, is that their entire image will be destroyed, or that they’ll lose everything. I find that really tough, because you can’t see inside someone’s head—not even psychologists can.

I also suspect that they do experience joy and love, but struggle to show it because they’re so afraid of rejection. If I could spend one full day inside their mind, I think I’d come out completely drained and depressed. I imagine that with every single decision, they’re calculating whether it’s “safe,” avoiding almost all risks.

And for me, taking risks is part of life. It’s what makes life exciting.

Can Someone Become More Open?

I absolutely believe that someone can open up more—or become more emotionally available—but like I said before, they have to want it. Forcing them will backfire. Getting angry at them in the hope that they’ll open up more doesn’t work at all.

I think taking some distance and then choosing the right moment to talk about it can help. It’s often really hard, though, because it requires a huge amount of understanding and empathy. You have to be able to put yourself in their shoes—while at the same time, you might be neglecting your own needs.

It’s important to always stay true to yourself. If you completely lose yourself in the process, it’s just not worth it.

How someone like this can learn to express themselves better is honestly a difficult question for me to answer or even fully understand. I think therapy is really the place to go if you want to get to the core of the “problem.”

Small steps that can make a difference? Reaching out for help. You make life so much easier and so much more beautiful for yourself when you do.

If you want to help someone who is emotionally closed off, I think the best approach is to talk about it calmly, plant a seed—but not push. In the end, it’s their life.

Why I’m Writing About This

I wanted to write about this topic because of my own experiences with emotionally closed people. I’ll be completely honest: it’s still not my thing. I still don’t find it easy. But by writing about it and looking deeply into myself, I notice I’m gaining more and more compassion for them.

What has shocked me the most in a negative way, is how harsh they can sometimes be—ignoring questions, avoiding difficult topics altogether. But afterward I think: okay, I get it now. And it’s okay. We can’t all be the same. Every human being is unique.

And in the end, they simply don’t know any better, because they’ve never given that part of themselves any real attention.

What I hope to convey with this blog is that everyone deserves a chance in this life. Whether you’re emotionally open or shut down. Every little seed inside of you can grow into something beautiful—if you’re willing to water it.